drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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