Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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