Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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