The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
