listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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