I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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