I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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