fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
