I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
