Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
