I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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