the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
