This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
