im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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