I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Randomize
