Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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