at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
