I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
