OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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