So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
