Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
