I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
