That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
