I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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