What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Actions speak louder than pants.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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