I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
