You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
im drinking this country out of the recession.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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