she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
BRING THE BAGELS
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
