My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
