I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
