My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
