i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
