If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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