i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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