New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
