I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
