You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
