I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
