i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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