Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
