i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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