where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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