i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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