my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
