mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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