I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
