i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
