I'm laying in your front yard are you home
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
