I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
