he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
