Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
40s are totally the cure
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
