My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize