Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
