In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
