with your own penis?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
