I puked a lego.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
